


Fire safety

by Picasso25



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, Don't Like Don't Read, Frostironstrange, M/M, Moderated fic because up to there with trolls, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Read the tags dangnabbit, but nothing explicit, not really - Freeform, not rogues friendly, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 05:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17802131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picasso25/pseuds/Picasso25
Summary: Because there are not enough bot fics in this fandom, have at least one more.Inspired by "who in their right mind" by AnonEhouse, which is one of the best.





	Fire safety

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Who in their Right Mind...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15104357) by [AnonEhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse). 



The first time it happened, it was an accident.

Kinda.

Sort of.

 

Daddy was working in his lab and had just refused a smoothie, so DUM-E went to sulk a bit in his charging station. DUM-E knew Daddy was very tired... And he was aware his smoothie success rate was only a little above 62% (better than last year at 61.5%), but still...

It was the raised voices that took DUM-E attention... That and the fact that his station was on "lock down"... Which it shouldn't have been.  
But DUM-E had a good memory, and he WAS the eldest: Ever since that day when he had to give Daddy a new battery when he'd needed it, he'd kept a fail-safe so he would NOT be on lock down with the rest of the lab. He discreetly hooked himself to the system and sent a binary call

"FRIDAY?"

"DUM-E!! SOMEONE CUT MY ACCESS TO THE LAB! WHO IS IN THERE WITH BOSS?"

"YELLOW HAIR BLUE SAUSAGE SKIN LOUD VOICE." DUM-E answered.

"CAPTAIN ASSHOLE IS HERE WITH BOSS?!!"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID" DUM-E was a little offended, but it didn't last, because he could sense FRIDAY panicking "PROBLEM?"

"THIS MONSTER IS NOT ALLOWED NEAR BOSS ALONE AND HE KNOWS IT. LAST TIME BOSS ALMOST DIED!"

Oh yes, DUM-E remembered.  
Daddy had to spend almost three months at the repair shop, and when he came back home, he'd needed batteries again and was very very sad for a long time. 

He'd gotten better recently, there was even talk about trying to get JARVIS back online (which DUM-E was personally in favor of: He was not impressed by what this "new" Jarvis was like. It was like this "Vision" forgot who his creator was now that he'd gotten a body. The true JARVIS would never had done that, DUM-E was certain.).

Anyhow, now was not the time to ponder "FRIDAY CALL COLONEL MAN AND LITTLE GREEN AND CLOAK DADDY. I WILL HELP DADDY."

DUM-E was not the sharpest bot in the world, and he knew it... But he was brave.

 

And armed.

 

He emptied the little vial of top grade motor oil he kept in reserve for emergencies, took a big gulp of energy from the compound's arc reactor, and came out of his charging station at top speed.

 

Tony was fighting both the premises for a nice panic attack AND the urge to call the armor for a little impromptu demonstration of what could have happened in Siberia.  
It made for a weird mix, to say the least, and he was expecting to blow an almost literal gasket one way or the other as he watched Rogers open his mouth for an nth iteration of Bucky's innocence or Wanda's questionable kidom.

What he was not expecting was a high-pitched whir followed with a series of clangs... And a very deftly aimed spurt of white foam right into Captain Douche's open mouth.  
It promptly expanded to the whole face, and then the upper body.  
When the fire extinguisher spluttered a bit as it reached empty, Tony watched his eldest discard the thing ... And fetch a new one in the net he was trailing behind him, putting himself between him and Rogers with a very definitive and somewhat menacing "beep!"

It was not really necessary: Surprise surprise, but a face full of carbolic foam is actually enough to stop a super soldier in his track. Well, as long as is needed to spit and cough and trying to get it out of his eyes, at least. 

 

And then it was too late.  
Twin portals opened on each side of the lab, one for Strange and one for Loki with Rhodey (in all his War Machine glory) in tow. They were greeted with the vision of a somewhat hysterically giggling Tony and a coughing and spluttering Rogers, with the little bot between them armed with a fire extinguisher.

Rhodey sure hoped to get the full story out of Tony later, but now was not the time to be Platypus.  
He fell on Rogers with all the authority of a TRUE Colonel and a leader of the New Avengers, Cap (and co, since Rogers couldn't hack himself out of a wet paper bag) had some serious splainin' to do.  
Depending who was on the roster this week at the UN, they might even get them out of their hair and reallocated elsewhere.  
Antarctica would be nice, Tony could apologize to the penguins later, some fish should do it. (okay, maybe a lot of fish)

While Rhodey handcuffed the Asshole, Cloak and Loki's magic (in it's preferred cat form) where circling the little bot, who was beeping excitedly.

"Friday called you?" Tony asked Strange as he turned toward the nearest Stark pad to reconnect FRIDAY everywhere. 

"Yes. She said Rogers had forced is way in, and she had no access to the lab" Strange sighed as he recalled the jolt of panic.

"She also said you had some form of help, but she didn't detail who it was." Loki added as he looked at DUM-E more closely "Your eldest?"

"Yes." Tony answered as he patted the little bot affectionally "It's the second time he saved me. DUM-E is an excellent bot. The best."

DUM-E was so proud he almost burst a connection or two.  
Then Loki's magic climbed on as she was wont to do and Cloak helped to carry his stock of fire extinguishers back to their place... without so much noise, as the pair of sorcerers checked much, much more closely on Tony's well-being.

DUM-E didn't mind, as they made Daddy happy again. In fact, he liked Daddy's new friends far better than the old ones, when he had a TEAM.

The first one had confused him a little at the beginning, as his faceplate looked a LOT like Daddy's.  
But he was taller, and of course there was Cloak who turned out to be a good friend. And Daddy began to cheer up a bit, as he loved to rile up the newcomer about magic and science.  
DUM-E had been a bit worried, but Cloak's Daddy not only took it like a champ, he certainly knew how to dish it too. And Daddy loved to argue. 

That had been one of the problem with the TEAM: They never liked to play with Daddy. DUM-E (and U!) had concluded that being a TEAM does not make one a FRIEND.  
Daddy disagreed, even with JARVIS. Which, as it turned out, could mean that Daddy could be WRONG. DUM-E didn't like to think about that.

 

However, it was very different with the new ones. And SOOO MANY! DUM-E had Internet and WiFi, but he would never have guessed there were so many different people! And nice people too!

There were both MINI BOSSES, as FRIDAY called them, and one could even walk on the ceiling, which made playing "tag" interesting. The other one had a "potato gun", but DUM-E was not allowed to play with it, Daddy said. 

Then there was the red one, which U liked a lot as he always brought her new party hats.  
He also was game to taste DUM-E smoothies, but Daddy put an end to that, saying DUM-E was backsliding in toxic mixtures. 

And there were the more rare visitors, like the flying ladies, and the man who was wearing his armor ON THE INSIDE... Except the bits that came out of his hands now and then. So weird, DUM-E wondered if the man came to Daddy so he got his armor right, but Daddy explained LOGAN was happy like that and that it took all kinds. Vision also wore his own armor mostly inside.

DUM-E refrained to tell Daddy what he thought of that Vision bot/person, but it was a very close call.

And let us not mention the red woman (NOT PEPPER!) he was with, the one that had tried to fry DUM-E when Daddy and bot/person were not looking, and started crying when DUM-E took the red fire out, saying DUM-E was a "murder Stark bot" and that he had attacked her.  
But of course, FRIDAY had seen everything.  
The red woman had stopped crying from one second to the next. DUM-E had never seen a leak repaired so fast.  
But her sonic module must have broken too, considering the sounds she made as the bot/person took her away from the lab. According to the internet, both of them were now in a place called Scotland, which was far from here. Good riddance.

Then CLOAK's daddy made an appointment to meet with Daddy, which pleased Colonel man RHODEY a lot... And even Daddy. Of course, there was the magic thing that riled Daddy up, which DUM-E knew was partly a lie, Daddy was mostly curious. But it made for some great shouting matches!

Then one day both Daddies were arguing, almost nose to nose, as both DUM-E and Cloak watched... And then DUM-E couldn't watch anymore because Cloak covered his visual sensor first... And Daddy's shirt landed on it a bit later.

Made Daddy smile a lot.

Then the Guardians and Thor and Hulk and Loki... And the pitiful remnants of Asgard landed on Earth with a warning about Thanos, and in Loki's case, some quite neat intelligence details.  
As it turned out, those were what he had planned to offer Odin once he managed to break free of the Titan's control, but in his infinite wisdom, Odin had locked him up without even a question.

That and his ridiculous kill count of a hundred people (These days, the Rogue Avengers managed that crossing the street to get groceries, Daddy said), had netted the Asgardians a little piece of Norway, and a sort of consultant position for Loki at the Avengers.

Strange hadn't liked it much, especially when Loki required to stay at the compound one week out of two on the grounds of "stupidity asylum".  
As Strange protested, he was goaded into trying to live with the rest of Asgard for a week just to show Loki was exaggerating. A wager.  
If he lost, Loki would stay in Norway except if invited, and if Strange lost, Loki would get an apprentice, since, as he put it "There's more to being a Sorcerer than the Time stone, Midgardian".

As Daddy put it to DUM-E and U as The trickster pulled the Sorcerer Supreme onto the branches of Yggdrasil, "Stranger Danger doesn't seem to get it, but he just signed for college courses at Hogwarts with Snape".  
DUM-E had nodded: He'd watched the movies with Cloak when their daddies were... busy, and there was something very Snape-ish in Loki.


End file.
